sui caedere
by CN Winters
Summary: Jane arrives at work to find her partner has died and the speculation of his death begins.
1. Prologue

**Title**: sui caedere

**Fandom**: Rizzles Fanfiction; Rizzoli and Isles Fanfiction

**Author**: CN Winters

**Disclaimers**: These characters aren't mine. This fiction deals with sui caedere, aka "to kill oneself". If suicide makes you squeamish then this fiction is not for you. As someone who's battled with suicidal depression at different times in my life, I can tell you it can be quite tiring to deal with a sense of hopelessness day in and day out. Sadly, according to news reports, it seems Lee Thompson Young lost his battle and a talented young man will be missed by his family, co-workers, friends and kindred spirits. It's said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But it's more than that. If you've battled with this illness, you know that problems don't seem temporary at all while you're nose deep in depression. Having someone 'remind' you of this does little. It feels like one bad thing after another is happening and you'll never get your head above water again. All the fame, money, family and friends mean little when you feel like a failure – whether that failure is genuine or manufactured falsely in your mind (which is often the case). Again, if issues like this upset you, this might not be a fic for you.

**Dedication**: This fic is for all those people – living on the edge; threatening to tumble over. Even if you feel you have no worth in this world – you do. More people than you realize will be hurt by the emptiness your loss would bring. It's truly unfortunate that, because of his illness, Young was unable to see the real truth: Nothing lasts forever – not good times… or bad times either. So this is for all those people who are 'just hanging on'. You mean more to the world than you think and remember bad times aren't permanent and waiting for happier days is the hardest part… but they do arrive eventually. So if you need to, take life second by second, minute by minute… and stay alive.

**Feedback**: You're welcome to email me about this fic at cnwinters71 (at that yahoo thing) .

**Synopsis**: Jane arrives at work to find her partner has died and the speculation of his death begins.

**Prologue**

**~Jane~ **

I knew it was horrible when I saw Vince crying. Yeah, he's teared up before. He's gotten misty eyed on a few cases. But when he walked in the squad today with that expression - my heart stopped.

Immediately my mind went to Frankie or Ma. Or maybe even Cavanagh, who he knew for years. A brief flutter of relief set in when I thought about Maura. I knew it couldn't be bad news about her. I just saw her two minutes before. He'd be in extreme panic mode if something had just happen to her downstairs. Whatever it was though, it was bad. My memory quickly scanned everyone I saw when I came in this morning. One person though was empty from my recollection as Vince closed the distance between us.

_Oh no…_

I ask with apprehension, "Vince, what is it?"

"I'm sorry." He was struggling with his words. While Vincent Korsak wasn't the most elegant of speakers, he was rarely tongue tied.

"What's wrong? You're scaring me here."

"It's Frost…"

Now I'm getting annoyed and really scared. _He's not talking. Why isn't he talking?!_

"What's wrong with him? Is he hurt?" I can hear the shortness in my voice.

"He's gone, Jane."

_Gone?_ I think to myself. "What do you mean gone?" I ask out loud.

Vince takes a ragged breath and simply says, "He's dead."

I'm speechless. Positively speechless and I barely hear what he says as he continues.

"Uniforms contacted me," he explains and wipes his eyes. He clears his throat and says, "A neighbor saw him in the parking garage of his apartment and called it in."

I'm stunned. I can't believe it. My first instinct is to say no.

"Look, they've got to be mistaken. It's gotta be someone else. Maybe someone who looks like him?" I say hopefully.

Vince was already shaking his head before I finished my sentence. "Frankie confirmed it. It's him, Jane."

A million questions overtake me at once. _How did he die? Was it murder? If so, who wanted him dead? And if not, why is he gone? Was it an accident? Was it intentional?_ My detective side takes over and I want answers. I want to know why he died and how he died and….that makes me think.

"Maura…" I mutter more to myself than Vince.

My mind immediately goes to her. _What if Vince is right? What if Frost is dead? What if she walks in and finds him on her table this morning without so much as a heads-up. She'll be mortified._

Vince held up his hand as if he could hear my inner dialogue.

"Frankie's still at the scene and Cavanaugh's on his way down to warn her now."

"W-What if she can't… do it?" I ask. I can't even finish the sentence the way I wanted. I don't even want to say the word 'autopsy'.

"Everyone knows the relationship you share with Maura and the fact Frost is your part-…was your partner. That's why Sean's giving her the option of doing the autopsy herself or calling in Pike."

"Pike," I harrumph. "That's just what we need."

"Would you rather it be Papov? Between them, you gotta admit Pike's the better choice."

"A cop killer on the loose and M.E. that won't thoroughly check the body for evidence or another who's pickled with vodka."

"We don't know if this is a murder or not," Vince tells me.

"What else could it be? Suicide?" I rebuff him.

"Maybe," he tries to say diplomatically.

"We both know Frost wouldn't kill himself," I argue.

"Do we?" he challenges me.

_I really don't need this shit. Not right now. _

"What are you saying?" I ask him. "Are you telling me I don't know my own partner? Is that it?"

"No, Jane. I'm saying we don't know all the facts right now. As hard as this is, we've gotta take a step back."

"I don't need to hear this. I gotta see Maura. We-we gotta figure out what to do. If someone's got a price on our heads, we could be next."

I'm already out the door and making my way to the elevators.

"Jane…" I hear Vince plead but I keep on walking.

I'm sure he only wants to help, but he can't. I got to keep moving. I've got to get to Maura. The only thing that's going to help right now are answers. And I know she's the woman who can get them for me.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**~Maura~**

It's not often that Lieutenant Cavanaugh pays me a visit. That was the first thing I immediately observed. The next was his body language – the deep frown, the taunt brow line, the bowed head. He was in serious distress as he approached me.

"Dr. Isles," he began, his voice much softer than even his usual faintness. "I have some unsettling news about Detective Frost. He was found this morning by a neighbor and she called authorities. Two uniforms found him dead in his car."

"Dead?" I ask. "What happened?"

"It appears to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound."

I'm literally dumbstruck. I have no idea what to say. I have no frame of reference for this. Yes, I've literally seen hundreds of bodies on my slab and, yes, quite a fair number of suicides in that time, but this… Once the rush of disbelief starts to fade, my mind straightaway goes to Jane.

"Where's Jane-Detective Rizzoli?" I immediately correct my informal use of her name in front of her commander.

Lieutenant Cavanaugh grins for a single second at my slip-up.

"Jane," he begins by stressing her first name. It's his unspoken way of saying it's acceptable to be informal and personal. "She's upstairs with Vince right now. Frankie's on the scene or in route with the body. I'm here because I want to give you the option of doing the autopsy or not."

"I have a choice?"

"Absolutely. I can call in Papov or Pike, if that's what you want. I'll be honest. I'd prefer you, Dr. Isles. I know your attention to detail and how much of an asset you are to my teams. But I also understand you work closely with my teams; Detective Frost included. So, if you can't do it, my second choice would be Dr. Pike. However, this is your lab," he says as he motions his hands around us. "It's your call."

"When do I have to decide?"

"Not this very second," he assures me. "But soon - within the next hour, if you would," he adds.

Before I can reply or even nod, we both hear the swish of the doors. Cavanaugh and I both look to see Jane coming toward us and my arms immediately open invitingly. I don't like to be hugged when I'm upset - she does. She moves beyond the lieutenant and into my embrace.

"He told you?" she asks, almost in a whimper against my neck.

"Yes," I reply. "I'm so sorry, Jane."

I don't say anything more and neither does she. I just continue to hold her. From over Jane's shoulder, I see the lieutenant nod his head to me as he backs out to give us some privacy. I nod to him in return. I then run my hands from the back of her head to the tip of her dark curly locks. I do the gesture again and then again.

She pulls back and looks around the room.

"Is he here?" she asks.

"Not yet."

"I want to see him."

"No, Jane. Self-inflicted gunshots are violent."

"Self-inflicted?"

"That's what Cavanaugh said. So trust me, you don't-." I try to argue. I have to change her mind about this. She might think she needs this now, but she doesn't. And although she's been at a number of crime scenes, this is extremely different on a multitude of levels.

"Yes, Maura. I do!" she interrupts me. "I'm not gonna call his mother to say he's dead without knowing that it's really her son on your slab, okay?" she starts to yell. "And self-inflicted? Really?! Why the hell would he kill himself?!"

I flinch at the volume of her voice. I know she's not angry with me and I know she wouldn't hurt me no matter how much she's pacing with her arms flailing. However, to say that I'm already feeling on edge at this moment is an understatement.

"Let me at least identify him," I plea with her. "If I do the autopsy, you'll be the first one that-."

"What do you mean 'IF' you do the autopsy?" she asks.

"I'm not sure I'm going to do it," I tell her and wait for the wrath.

"Maura, how can you NOT do this?"

"Under normal circumstances, perhaps I could. But I've worked extremely close with Detective Frost because of my relationship with you."

"Look, he's MY partner; not yours," Jane reminds me.

_Oh, that stung. _

I look away and turn my back to her. I make my way over to my tools; searching for a distraction. I really don't want to argue with her about this. Some wars should never be waged. Who loved Frost more is one of them. It serves no purpose, other than damaging feelings, which are already feeling quite raw.

"I'm sorry," she immediately apologizes. "I know you care for him. And I was outta line."

"Yes, you were." I tell her. Instantly, I add, "I forgive you, given the circumstance." I know she needs to hear that.

She released a deep sigh. "We need you, Maura," she beseeches me. Then she adds three more words… "I need you."

I know she's not trying to manipulate me. I know she genuinely wants my help but I'm not sure I can – for reasons great and small. I take a renewed interest in my scalpel as I consider my options.

"What can I do, Jane?" I ask, finally making eye contact with her again.

She pauses and then says, "You speak for the dead. Speak for Frost." She takes a ragged breath and runs her fingers through her hair as she says, "I need that closure."

It might not be the best thing to say, but it's the truth. And she needs to hear it…

"Oh Jane, even if I find SOME answers, you may never find the closure you seek."

She whimpers, "Right now, I'll just take what I can get."


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**~Sean~**

This job is stressful – no doubt. My old commander once said getting an 'officer down' call was one of the worst a boss could get. The absolute worse though, he said, was losing a cop.

I found out today. He was wrong.

The absolute worse is losing a cop – to himself. Yes, getting killed comes with this job. Every cop walks out that door knowing they might not come home at the end of their shift. When the reason they don't come home is because his own hand, well, that's beyond tragic. My thoughts are interrupted though when I hear a light knock.

I rise from behind my desk when I see Dr. Isles and Rizzoli at the doorway.

"Come in, Ladies," I tell them as I move around the desk. "I'm so sorry, Rizzoli," I add to her.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," she responds politely. "I apologize for not acknowledging you earlier."

"Everyone's a little rattled right now," I tell her. And I mean it. I turn to Dr. Isles and pray for the best. "Have you decided?" I ask hopefully.

"I have," she says decisively. "I'd like you to call in Dr. Pike. I-."

"What?!" Rizzoli nearly shouts. "You said-."

Dr. Isles silences her with a raised finger and I'm surprised that's all it takes. Rizzoli can get quite passionate. She's got what my old commander called a 'good cop temper' – a passion for the badge; for answers; for life. Dr. Isles though... She's one of the few who can keep her in check. Not all the time though, but most of the time, and thankfully, it's working today.

"For a second examination," Dr. Isles explains. "I'll do the primary autopsy on Detective Frost. However, given my relationship to him, I might become distracted. I might miss something of importance. I'd like Dr. Pike to corroborate or dispute my findings."

I extend my hand to her and shake it in a grateful fashion.

"I realize this isn't a normal situation. And this means a lot to the department and to me too, Dr. Isles. Sincerely, thank you."

"I wish..." She lets the sentence hang. She seems unable to continue her train of thought. I know what she wishes. It's what all of us are wishing. We're wishing this was just a bad nightmare. We're wishing we could wake up and life would be the same again. But it's not. Instead of saying more she simply says, "You're welcome, Lieutenant. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to head back downstairs. I'll make my call to Dr. Pike and wait for Detective Rizzoli – Frankie – to arrive."

"Certainly," I tell her and extend my arm again.

After shaking my hand, I watch her run her fingers down the length of Rizzoli's arm. She gives my detective's hand a light squeeze, which she returns, before the doctor makes her departure, leaving us alone. A second after the door closes I turn to my detective.

"Jane," I begin making sure to use her first name this time. "Do you want to put in for some vacation time? I'll sign the order right now."

"No, thank you, Lieutenant. I'd rather not, if that's okay."

I release a heavy sigh. "I know this stuff happens. The stress of the job; everything. But I never thought..." I'm at a loss for words. I have no idea how it feels to lose a partner, let alone by their own hand.

"I know, Sir," she replies sadly.

_I gotta know_..."Did he mention anything being wrong lately?" I wonder out loud.

"Not to me, Lieutenant. I'm wondering if maybe someone forced him to do this."

_Forced_. "What do you mean?"

"You know all the psychos I seem to attract. He's got a mom. Maybe they threatened him. Maybe they told him if he didn't kill himself then they'd kill her."

"Do you really think that's possible?"

"After Hoyte? Anything is possible, Sir."

"I think you're grasping here, Rizzoli."

"Maybe," she mutters. "I'm just looking at all the possible angles."

"That's why you're a great cop," I compliment her.

She pauses. "With all due respect, we both know that's a lie."

"Excuse me?"

"If I was such a great cop I would have seen this coming, wouldn't I?"

At first, I'm not sure how to answer. "I think you're being way too hard on yourself, Jane."

"How do you figure? A good partner knows who's watching their back. Obviously, I didn't know him at all, did I?"

"Rizzoli," I sigh. "I know I can't say anything that's going to make this better. All I can say is…For now, let Frankie and Dr. Isles look into this, please. They'll both give it the attention it deserves."

She doesn't say anything immediately. Finally, after a few seconds pass, she says, "Yes, Sir. Can I be excused?"

"Absolutely," I tell her.

Before I can add more, she's already out the door; not looking back.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**~Angela~**

Something's going on. But I'm not sure what it is. I see people talking outside the café in hushed voices. They glance at me and then return to their quiet talk. It's unnerving to say the least! At first, I check my clothes. Was my fly down? Am I missing a button on my shirt? Why do people seem to be talking about me yet can't look at me?

Thank God I just watched Janie and Maura sharing coffee here a little while ago or I'd be worried something was wrong with them. That's when I realize Frankie was on a call of a possible homicide. With all the hushed tones and eyes avoiding me… I'm getting worried. Real worried.

"Mr. Stanley!" I call toward the back. "I'm going on break."

"You just got here, Rizzoli!" he yells as he comes out to meet me. "You can't leave during breakfast rush!"

"Rush? Look around," I tell him. It really is dead for the morning time. Another tip off that something's not right. "No one's here, which means there's something bad going on."

"You're crazy and the donuts are almost done."

I don't want to argue so I just walk away.

"Rizzoli! You walk out and you're history!"

_He won't fire me. He needs the help. Besides, this'll just be a minute. _

I make my way to a pair of officers who were talking and sparing glances to me now and then. As I approach, everyone seems to start clearing a path, even them. It's like they're avoiding me completely. Now I'm REALLY scared.

I see Lieutenant Martinez talking with someone I don't recognize. If there was something wrong with Frankie, chances are, he would know. As I take a few unsettling steps toward him, that's when I see Frankie on the right! Oh, thank you God! He's talking to Sergeant Korsak… but they both look upset. I quickly make my way over.

"What's wrong?" tumbles from my mouth before either of them can speak.

"It's Frost, Ma. He's dead."

I can't say anything. I want to say something, but I'm shocked. Frankie can read my baffled expression and nods his head.

"What happened? Does Janie…?" I start to ask. I'm not even sure how to form sentences at this point! Thankfully, they both sense my confusion and growing sadness at it all.

"I just talked to Jane," Vince says. "Frankie says it looks like a self-inflicted gunshot wound. He just brought his body to the morgue."

"Speaking of," he says to me, "I hate to drop a bomb like this on ya and run, Ma. But I gotta go talk to Maura."

"No. You go, Sweetheart. You do what you need to, and if you need me, you know where to find me."

I don't care if the whole squad watches. I stand on my tip toes and I give him a big kiss on the cheek. It's a kiss of relief that he's okay and one of condolence because I know how much Frost meant to him too. Rather than brush me aside like I half-expected, he wraps his arms around me instead and leans into my ear.

"I love ya, Ma," he says softly.

"I love you too, Sweetie," I reply. "Go on."

Vince and I watch him walk away.

"I KNEW something was wrong," I tell the sergeant. "I thought it was Jane or Frankie because people were looking at me and then looking away, you know?"

"It's the connection – It's Jane's partner. You're Jane's mom. They probably didn't know what to say…Heck, even I'm not sure what to say," he confesses.

"Is Jane upstairs?"

"I think she was with Sean actually."

"Vince, please tell her I'm here for her, okay? Will you make sure to tell her?" I ask as a cry creeps into my voice. I try to hide it but I'm failing miserable.

"I'm sure she knows," he tells me in a kind voice. "But yes, I'll remind her."

He puts a gentle hand on my upper arm and I give it a squeeze of thanks before he makes his way back upstairs. I head into the café thinking of everything. I have no idea why Barry would take his life. He always seemed so happy, so cheerful. He was always there for everyone. But maybe that's it. Maybe he thought no one was there for him. That's not the truth though. So many people were here for him…I was here for him if he just asked. But then again, maybe I should have noticed. Maybe I could have looked deeper. Whatever the reason though it's all just… heartbreaking.

"I told you if you left you were outta here!" Stanley barks, rattling me from my thoughts as I walk into the café.

I walk behind the counter.

"Detective Frost is dead. Suicide they think."

It's all I say and I watch his angry express fall into one of disbelief.

"I gotta get those donuts," I tell him. As I start to make by way through the swinging door, he calls out.

"Angela?" He says my first name, which makes me stop. Rarely does the man use my first name. "I'm sorry," he says sincerely.

"I'm sorry too. Frost was a good man," I say trying to keep my tears at bay.

"Yeah, he was," he agrees. "But I meant sorry for how I treated you. If you need to take off or whatever…"

"My family's here," I tell him. "I go where they go and I gotta feelin' it's gonna be a very long day here at headquarters."

"Well, then," he says, "You see to the donuts and I'll get some fresh coffee going for everyone, how's that? That's something we can do, right?"

Staying busy at the moment seems like a good idea.

"Right away, Mr. Stanley…And thank you."

"No problem. And when you see Jane…I know it might not matter to her, but tell her I'm sorry for her loss."

I just nod and slip out of sight. Once I'm alone, that's when it really hits me that he's gone. I just collapse into tears – for Barry, for his sweet mom and her partner, for Janie; for all of us.

TBC


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**~Frankie~**

I'm on the elevator but my mind's still reeling from what I witnessed today. Yeah, I've seen dead bodies. Hell, I even tormented Frost over his repulsion of them. And even today, I wasn't nauseous… at first. I was just shocked. It looked almost fake and I half expected him to sit up and say, 'Gotcha!' with that teasing smile. But the longer I looked at his lifeless eyes, the blood…I just…That's when I ran to some nearby bushes and threw up.

When I walk into the morgue, Maura is directing the tech where to place… his body?…His body sounds kinda impersonal, so should I say Frost instead? I feel so confused right now I can't even form proper sentences in my mind. I still don't know what I'm going to say to Maura as I approach her.

She turns, sees me and then smiles. It's not an 'I'm happy you're here smile'. It's an 'I'm ready to support you smile'. Sure. Frost was Janie's partner. I know that. We ALL know that. But I liked him too. Correction. I loved him. Too often when we're alive it's not cool for two guys who dig chicks to say they love each other, but… I did. Maybe if I told him he would have held on. He'd be alive because he would have someone in this mixed up world who loves him.

When she's within a few feet of me, Maura opens her arms and I take the invitation.

"I'm so sorry, Frankie," she tells me. She's the first one, out of everyone, that recognizes I lost him too and for a few seconds I tighten my grip on her in a show of thanks… and survival. I can't go to Jane about this right now. She's got her own mess to deal with. And Ma? I love her, but she can get so emotional I end up consoling her. But Maura though? Maura can be the rock that all the Rizzoli's need… the rock that I need.

I pull back and clear my throat. I point quickly to the slab where he's lying and try to speak, but no words come at first.

"It's okay," she reassures me. Yes, the woman has literally saved my life, but in that moment, I can see why Tommy's so infatuated with her and why Jane loves her. She might say things at an inapproiate time and some jokes and popular culture go right over her head. At other times though, she's more thoughtful and understanding than anyone I've ever met.

"Thanks," I say quickly. "I, uh, I'm almost positive it's a suicide," I continue. "Given the nature of the head injury, I mean; plus the powder residue on his hands and at the scene. But I know you don't like to guess."

It's one of her quirk that absolute drives Janie insane. The memory of my sisters' rants for a quick answer makes me grin for just a slight moment. Maura knows what I'm thinking, at least it seems, because she grins as well.

"Yes," she answers. "I'll do my examination and Dr. Pike will review my findings."

I just nod. Whatever she wants to do is fine by me.

"Frankie? I'm not sure if anyone can 'see something like this coming'," she begins, "… but did you notice anything unusual about Det. Frost's behavior lately?"

For about the tenth time that morning my mind went back to the week before…

"Hey Frankie?" he said as he called me over.

"What's up?"

"Here. I got something for you."

I looked down at the robot action figure we fought over at Ma's yard sale.

"Dude! For real?"

He smiled. "Sure. I'm not going to be here forever and I know he'll be in good hands with you. Besides, your desk looked pretty bare; thought you could spruce it up a bit."

I pulled him into a short hug and gave him a strong pat – one of those 'manly' pats – on the middle of his back. Although he was smiling, he seemed a little misty eyed too.

"Just make sure you feed and water him every day," Frost teased.

Back in the present, I look at Maura.

"Maybe," I answer her. "He gave me his robot."

She looked confused so I went on.

"Ma sold him this robot toy I had as a kid at a yard sale."

"Oh yes," she said in recollection.

"Yeah and for the past few years he had it on his desk – to taunt me probably." I grin for a few seconds at the memory. "But…"

"What?"

"He looked like he was going to cry after he gave it to me and I just thought… I don't know."

"Go on," she said softly, sensing my reluctance.

"He had one as a kid too and I thought maybe it just reminded him of his father or something. But maybe it meant more. Maybe he was saying good-bye and I totally missed the clue. That's probably stupid, huh?"

"Not at all," she assures me. "Giving away possessions and things of importance can be a sign of impending suicide, as well as being a good friend. There's no way you could have known, Frankie."

"Nah, I knew and didn't stop it," I mutter.

"No," Maura said firmly. "You had every right to make the assumptions you did. You had no idea he was bequeathing you a cherished possession. For all you knew, he was giving you something he valued to commemorate your recent promotion… Don't feel bad about that."

I hear her words. And I know, deep down, she's right. In the end, it was Frost's fault he was no longer here. Still, it's cold comfort when I realize that maybe, just maybe, I could have said something or done something to change the outcome.

"I have to ask a big favor," Maura says, "Would you call Detective Frost's mother? Jane says she wants to do it after she sees him, but I'd rather not… put her through that."

Just like clockwork, Janie comes strutting through the door with that look of piss and vinegar. Maura's sigh is audible as my sister approaches.

"That him?" she asks sharply as she points to the slab.

"Jane," Maura says almost like a plea. "Go back upstairs. You don't have to do this. Frankie has identified him."

"I want-no-I NEED to see him," she replies as she makes her way over.

"Jane, no," I call out, making her stop. "This is Maura's lab. She calls the shots. If she wants you out, then you get out."

"NO! You get out! You're not the boss of me." she challenges me. I can see where this is going, but I'm not taking the bait – not this time at least.

"No, I'm not, but in this lab, Maura is the boss." I reach out to her, trying to take her hand to pull her with me as I turn to leave.

She pulls her arm back sharply and walks over to the body under Maura's continued protests. Within seconds, she's got the zipper pulled down, exposing his face.

In that instant, there was no sound and it seemed like the entire world just… stopped.

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 **

**~Vince~**

I used to say I wasn't old enough to be his dad. That was a lie. I was old enough, but damned if I'd admit that to him. Maybe that's what bothered me so much about him. He was young, just starting his career; his life and he could go places, maybe even further than me. Street smarts, like me, and a tech head too – a cop for the 21st century. You could say he has...had everything to be a cop in the new millennium.

Then there as Jane... He stole her from me. Not as some romantic conquest or anything, but as my partner.

_Fucking Hoyte._

But again, if I were being completely honest, that's a lie too. The truth is he didn't take her. She was 'given' to him by the powers that be; the guys with juice. And I could say he took her for granted, but again, that's not true. When crazy baker boy stole her, I remember how distraught he was and how determined he was as he ran those stairs going to her apartment...and then the disappointment when she wasn't there. Still, he raced back to the car – not giving up on finding her; not losing hope we'd bring her home.

That's why this doesn't make any sense. How could someone who loved and cared for someone so deep just... give up? How could someone who was so hopeful against insurmountable odds do a 180 on his own life? I don't understand it. What was so bad he had to off himself?

Yes, this job can be a stressor, but he was so dedicated to doing the work. I've even lifted a glass with him for a job well done. How come no one seen this coming? How could I not see this coming? Maybe if I acted more like a dad, than a rival, things would be different. Then again, maybe he had demons even he didn't understand.

I knock on the door to Sean's office and he motions me inside.

"Hey Vince," he says softly.

"Have you seen Jane, Sean?"

"She just left. Not sure where she went. Probably Dr. Isles if I had to guess," he replies.

I just nod. Neither of us seems to know what to say at first, but then he clears his throat.

"Did you…?" I know what he's thinking. He wants to know if I saw this coming.

"No," I reply before he can try to finish the sentence. "You?"

"Not a clue," he says despondently. "I know he's dead. And I know I've got no right to say anything but…"

"What?"

"I feel cheated, Vince. He's dead but I feel cheated he's no longer here. This department needs great cops and he was bright. And now, well, I've lost a great cop this city could have really used. Think that makes me a bad person? Selfish?"

I think about his words and realize, yeah, that's how I feel too.

I tell him, "I think anytime someone wastes their talents, it's a shame. No matter how those talents are wasted. And the kid was talented. Better at me when it came to that computer stuff."

Give a short grin of nervousness. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm letting the armor down a bit.

"Keep an eye on Jane, would ya Vince?" he asks. "I don't think she'll harm herself, but losing a partner is… well, I don't know what. It's never happened to me. She just might need an ear or a shoulder that's not a Rizzoli. Know what I mean?"

I do actually. Sometimes family can't help. Sometimes you need someone who's close but not too familiar.

"Sure, Sean," I say as I make my way back toward the door. I stop short of opening and turn to face him. "Same goes for you, ya know." I tell him. "Sometimes being the stoic leader isn't all it's cracked up to be so if you need me-."

He smiles a genuine smile and says, "Thanks Vince" before I can say more. "I appreciate that," he adds.

I give him a nod and make my way to find Jane. My first stop? The morgue.

TBC


End file.
